I Know You Hate Me

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This moving poem was contributed by the gorgeous Edna Freeman.

Edna’s powerful story resonates with mothers all over the globe who are finding ways to overcome their own deep-seated self-esteem issues so that they can raise their children to know and feel they are loved and cherished, just the way they are.  By sharing her story of healing, Edna hopes to help others who are going through similar challenges.

#YourStoryMatters

I know you hate me

I know you hate me,
But I hate me more.
I can’t deal with this pain anymore.
This isn’t new for me, it’s still sore.

I think my brain has been broken since before I was born.
As a little girl, I wanted to be someone else,
I wished I could be a white girl.
White girls always got the best,
and the others only got the rest.

I didn’t like I was born brown,
I wished I was taller, richer and not looked down.
I guess I hated everything about me,
I hated that I was born poor,
And my mom and dad lived in a war.

Please save me I said to God, and I heard no one, just my own voice.

I screamed for love and no one saved me.

As an easy bait, I fell in the arms of who wanted me manipulated.
I felt free and accepted because the darkness embraced me.

I thought people finally saw and heard me. 

The darkness stole my innocence, and
I was poisoned by people full of insolence.

I fell lower than the ground
Still, no one heard me shout.

The ones that should have protected me just exploited me.
All they wanted from me was my money,
Like all I could be was their Easter bunny.

Is there love somewhere I asked? Can someone save me? Can someone love me?

Can I love me?

Evil saw I needed saving
Evil saw I wanted love,
But all I got was my belief destroyed.

They wanted my love for their own pleasure.
When I finally escaped I was more broken than ever.

Now more broken than ever before, and I knew no love, and all I had was destruction and gore.

All I knew was suffocation and manipulation.

How can I love?
How can I love myself?
Then real love came out of me,
And I realized when it screamed at me and set me free.

I had to learn to give what I never had, and
It was harder than I expected.

My heart broke so many times,
To be good and always be right.

I couldn’t be perfect, I couldn’t always be correct, and the more I tried I got disconnected.

This new little person loved me, and all I wanted was to be the best I could be.

But my mind was still broken,
My soul was still searching for something more.

Then I met someone and I thought he was the one.
Unfortunately, I searched for love in the wrong place again, and one more time I fell in the drain.

Love was already with me
I just needed to see.

Time went by until I realized, that
I really needed to see the light.

And once more I prayed all night,
To see a sign to live my life.

The little love that I created gave me strength not to be isolated.
He taught me to always fight and learn to love my broken mind.

One day I welcomed another broken soul,
To our world that was our own.

He loved me just the way I am, and he gave me power to be the queen and not a tram.

Nothing is perfect that’s ok,
we learn to love in many ways.

Even when love bends it still has strength,
Love can go any length.

And from that union, I learned something more, that no one is perfect and all we need is to love.
To love myself was always hard, and to learn to be loved was still a challenge.

Once again love came out of me,
And now I finally see.
God never gave up on me,
He always guided me out of the Dead Sea.

My mind sometimes says lies,
And many times all I do is cry.

Crying inside my soul, so no ones sees, because I know I am not the only one with this disease.

The screaming pain that is in my brain, it keeps me sometimes in the drain.

I always remember where I came from, and I know I need healing for my tired soul.

I learned to love myself from those I gave birth to.
And I will never mourn my past self in the mirror because that sad girl now is now my hero.

Edna Freeman

About the Author:

When Edna Freeman was 8-years-old she prayed every night asking God to turn into a blonde girl with blue eyes because her Mother seemed to only praise the beauty of white, blonde girls with blue eyes on TV. Family members would tell her Mom how ugly her Dad was and say that Edna looked like him.

Edna’s self-hatred led her to eventually becoming bulimic and suffering from anxiety, depression and PTSD.

Now, as a Mother herself, Edna wants her daughter to grow up loving herself the way she is and seeing the beauty in everyone.  She wants her daughter to know that everyone is beautiful in their own way.

Read more in this Instagram post…

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?⁣ ???? ??????? ??? ??? ??????? ?? ???? ?????⁣ ⁣ A memory of my childhood came up during therapy. It was when I was 8 years old, and I prayed every night for God to turn me blonde with blue eyes. Every morning I would woke up, and run to the mirror to see if He changed me. I always got so disappointed… I didn’t like being brown, short, and having brown eyes. But how this started? It all came from the message I got from my mom and the tv. ⁣ ⁣ My mom had no idea that she was damaging me. We watched shows and movies, that the main character was white. And she would always make comments of how gorgeous those girls were. She also would say how she needed to lose weight. I also heard her and her friends commenting on people that got weight. Kids my age also made fun of how big my teeth were, so I never liked to smile as a kid.⁣ ⁣ It really damaged how I saw myself. I didn’t like that God made me brown and my sister white. I didn’t like that my younger sister was taller than me. I didn’t know that all that didn’t matter. I wish I had my mom complimenting all kinds of looks. I wish that looks were not the most important thing I learned.⁣ ⁣ I learned that you needed to be beautiful to be loved, instead of learning to be strong and loving myself. Maybe if I had a different message growing up I wouldn’t be abused by so many people. Maybe I would never been bulimic. Maybe I wouldn’t need to do therapy, because of anxiety, depression, and ptsd.⁣ ⁣ I want my daughter to grow up being strong and to love herself the way she is, but the most important is that I want her to see the beauty in everyone. ⁣ ⁣ Edna Freeman⁣ ⁣ ⁣ ⁣ ⁣ ⁣ ⁣ ⁣ ⁣ ⁣ ⁣ #ptsd #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealthmatters #weightwatchers #depressionhelp #depressionawareness #encouragement #mentalhealthadvocate #youmatter #bestrongbeyou #selfie #beauty #loveyourselfquotes #loveyourbody #curvywoman #curvystyle #curvyblogger #latinx #latina @the_real_iman @rainn #metoo #metoomovement #braziliangirl #smile #quarantineandchill #momblogger #momlife #momsofinstagram #mamas #parentingtips

A post shared by Edna Freeman | ?????????? | (@ednacfree) on

A note from the editor:

Edna, I admire your tremendous courage in sharing your story and I am honoured that you chose this platform to publish your poem.  

I invite you to connect with Laura di Franco.  Laura is a Best Selling Author and one of our Featured Mompreneurs.   In  Laura’s signature course, she will show you how to continue living your dream of helping others heal by sharing your story.

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6 Replies to “I Know You Hate Me”

  1. Shilpa Garg

    Oh my god! There’s so much sadness, pain and anguish in these words. How deeply wounded and broken one can be by the conscious / unconscious words and behaviour of others!
    I am so glad for the last two lines for they give hope and light!

    Reply
    • Lauren Kinghorn

      Absolutely, Shilpa! It makes me realise how important our words are as parents. And not just our words, but how we say them too, the feeling behind our words. Children are fragile and need our protection, not our criticism. This is why I am attracted to the Hand in Hand Parenting approach, it’s so gentle and loving.

      And yes, I felt the same way at the end, so relieved to see the light coming through.

      Reply
  2. Vidya Sury

    Oh gosh! How heart-breaking! Self-esteem with moms is such a sad fact of life. Always on the go, always trying to do their best and yet, always feeling inadequate. Just yesterday I was telling my son how I used to be scared all the time, wondering if I could manage the kitchen on my own if my Mom was ever not around. Well I found that out soon enough and took courage from her faith in me. Yet, in our quest to be perfect and do things just right, in our minds we find ourselves less than perfect and that’s just so sad. Because we needn’t be perfect. We must accept that we’re doing the best we can.

    Love to you, Lauren and Edna!

    Reply
    • Lauren Kinghorn

      I agree wholeheartedly, Vidya. Moms everywhere will relate to this because inherently, we tend to feel inadequate and unworthy, trying to live up to some ideal we’ve created in our heads… either because our parents did such a fantastic job and we feel we can’t live up to their expectations or because we felt they didn’t expect enough of us or see our beauty and our brilliance.

      It’s only when we realise our self-worth comes from within and not without and our thoughts create our reality, that we can set ourselves free and let go of the past.

      Reply
  3. Felicia Austin

    Man, this hit home for me on so many levels. I admire her courage to write this. It is a beautifully broken story and it is so deep and true. One love is not like the other and your love for your children is like nothing anyone can describe. Thank you Edna for being so vulnerable and thank you Lauren for sharing it with us.

    Reply
    • Lauren Kinghorn

      Thanks for your sensitive, heartfelt comment, Felicia. It is my pleasure and privilege to share Edna’s beautiful, moving piece of poetry with the world, so raw and real.

      Reply

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